Losing Love
by LycanSoul13
Summary: This is my first fic so be kind. Sam realizes that he must let his brother go. Dean deserves to be loved. Warning: Minor bad language usage. Disclaimer: Wish they were mine, but alas, they belong to Kirpke and the CW.


After Lucifer rises, and both Dean and Sam leave the airport, Dean rushes them out to Chuck's house. Sam has no idea why Dean is so pressed on getting to Chuck's and Dean hasn't said a word to him since they left the chapel, but Sam doesn't question him either.

Sam is feeling both glad and guilty. Glad the Dean showed up, that there might be a chance for Dean to forgive him and guilty for what he's done, not only to his brother but to humanity. He just fucked the entire planet.

But the guilt that Sam feels over what he's done to the human world doesn't not compare to the guilt he feels for what he's done to Dean.

Dean had warned him about Ruby, he warned him and Sam hadn't listen. Sam had been too egocentric and arrogant to listen to his brother. He had almost killed his brother. Sam began to feel his stomach churn as an urgent need to heave crawled through him.

Sam couldn't help but think on what Dean had told him after they'd buried Adam's ashes. And on how right he'd been, Sam was just like their father, so pressed on revenge, so blinded by it that he had not seen the pain that he'd caused to the one person that mattered the most, his brother. _His lover, ex-lover_. Just like dad had not cared about them, Sam had not cared enough about Dean.

Sneaking glances at Dean Sam could see that his brother was sad, furious, and worried, really worried. But beyond seeing the flicker of those emotions for a few seconds Sam did not see anything else but blank and stony eyes focused on the road.

Once they reached Chuck's home, Dean got out and ran inside without a word, without waiting for him. Sam didn't know why they were here but he would probably soon find out.

"Dean, thank fuck your alright. I sorry Dean, I… you weren't able to stop it. Him." Chuck turns looking at Sam.

Dean shakes his head quietly and then he talks, for the first time since they left the chapel.

"Cas?" Dean's voice is hoarse as he forces the question out. His tone is fully of trepidation.

"He didn't make. After he sapped you to the convent the archangels showed up and there was an explosion and Cas was gone."

"But he can't die he's an angel."

"There was blinding white light everywhere, he pushed the archangels back for a while but they were too strong and …"

"Cas you stupid son of a bitch." Dean yells and chokes on the words. "Cas, you get your ass over here now. Cas I'm not fucking around." Dean grows more desperate. "CASTIEEEEEEEEL," Dean yelled, choking on a sob.

Sam flinches as he hears the emotion on Dean's voice. It seems like his brother is almost in pain, but why, Dean had barely tolerated the angel before. And yet that pain he hears in Dean's voice is jarring, he can't help but feel a pang of jealousy because that grief and emotion was not directed towards him.

Dean gets drunk as fuck that night and kept mumbling the same thing over and over, '_Cas you stupid fuck, come back, come back_.'

The same pang of jealousy returns full blast, _why does Dean care so much about__** *the angel* **__anyhow_?

Sam had always been possessive and selfish where Dean was concerned and he hates the fact the Castiel is getting Dean's attention now, because Dean _belongs_ to him. Sam's angry at himself for thinking this way because he no longer has a say over Dean, hasn't had a say on it for a while, not since before Dean went to hell for him, not since Sam began trusting Ruby, not since before he left to Stanford even. Sam abandoned Dean, and just couldn't get him back after that. Not like that.

Fuck Dean went to hell for him and what does Sam do? Tangles up with a demon, gets addicted to demon blood while his brother is being tortured in hell. And when Dean comes back he ignores him, abandons Dean and takes off with Ruby when his brother needed him, when Dean was being tortured by memories of hell. And then he jump starts fucking Armageddon.

When Castiel finally shows up, saving them from Zachariah the flicker of emotions on Dean's eyes – relief, gratitude, and love…is that love he sees in Dean's eyes – throws Sam off into another silent jealousy fit because again they are directed at Castiel and not at him.

Once Zachariah and the others leave Castiel walks towards them and touches their chests. The touch is painful and Sam is left with a burning sensation.

"Enochian sigils, protection against the angels, they won't be able to find you."

Soon as he's done talking Dean rushes to Castiel and Castiel embraces him, tugging Dean close to his body.

"Dean…," Castiel's voice is reverent. "Dean, I… I thought I lost you," and before Sam can say or do anything Castiel's mouth presses against Dean's and they kiss. Their kiss is urgent, desperate, devoid of finesse. They kiss as if they are hungry for each other, with relief from knowing they are both okay and alive."

"Thought I lost you too," Dean moans into Castiel's mouth and pushes him against the wall, bodies so tightly pressed you couldn't possibly slide a sheet of paper between the two.

Castiel was running his hands through Dean's hair and back, holding him firmly against him.

If Sam was jealous before this sent him over the edge, the pain he feels at the moment compares to nothing he's ever felt before, but he doesn't do anything, he can't move, he can't think, he can't breathe. When he's finally able to move he sneaks out of the warehouse quietly and waits in the Impala for Dean and Castiel.

How did this happen, when did this happen? Dean was his, he was not supposed to go and fall in love with an angel. Dean was supposed to love Sam, always Sam. But why would he expect that when Sam himself had betrayed and left him over and over again. First when he left to go to Stanford, then with Jess, then again in Indiana with Meg, when he was possessed, with Madison, and Ruby. Sam could not stop the tears that were rolling down his checks. He'd lost Dean, lost him forever.

When Dean came out he was alone, but the smile in his face was genuine. It was the kind of smile that reached his eyes, that made his eyes shine, and that made Sam's loss even more acute, because he had not been the one to put that look on Dean's face. Because all that Sam had manage to put in his brother's face for the last decade was disappointment and anger, stress and disillusion, anxiety and desperation, and unhappiness.

"So Cas is alive?" Sam asks clearing his throat.

"Yeah," Dean responds, his voice full of a bubbly haze. "He is," he said with a goofy smile.

"So you and Cas, huh? Since when, thought you said all angels were dicks?" Sam's question comes out a bit harsher than he meant to, but Dean didn't seem to notice and if he did he didn't acknowledge it. "I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, it's okay if you…"

Dean stays quiet for a long time and Sam begins to think that he really won't answer, "Since Alister, maybe a little before that, maybe all along, who cares."

"Where's he been all this time? I mean, you kept calling him and he didn't answer."

"He was dead, doesn't know who brought him back, he believes it was God. He gained consciousness of himself there in the warehouse, when Zachariah was torturing us."

"Oh."

"Yeah, weird huh? I don't care, don't care who brought him back, 's long as he's alive."

Sam's relationship with Dean began to mend slowly, but Dean still didn't trust him, he said so himself. Dean's hurt and disappointed and there's nothing Sam can say or do to make it better. Sam also feel shun because they had began to get separate motels rooms, even on those nights that Castiel didn't stay with Dean. But on the nights he knows for sure Castiel is with Dean Sam doesn't sleep at all. On those nights he wishes he was still drinking demon blood if only to get rid of Castiel.

It is on one such night that Sam overhears a conversation between Dean and Castiel by accident, not because he has been completely quiet, straining to hear Dean's moans and cry of release.

"He still loves you," Sam hears Castiel.

"I guess, he's my brother."

"That's not what I meant. He's still _in love_ with you Dean."

"What, no way Cas, your imagining things. Sam stopped loving me a long time ago; if he ever loved me at all."

And that feels like a punch to the solar plexus. How could Dean doubt his love for him? But deep inside he knew Dean had a right to doubt. Sam had always been fickle, arrogant, and selfish. Always thinking about himself before Dean, regardless of everything that Dean did for him.

"Dean don't you see it, how he suffers every time I'm with you. You don't have to be an angel to sense it."

"Let's not talk of this anymore Castiel?"

"You're upset, you never call me Castiel. But you know it's true, he loves you and I think you love him too."

"I do love him Cas, he's my brother. I will always love him, but…"

"That's not what I meant Dean and you know it. Are you going to allow your pride to stand in the way of your happiness?"

"Pride," Dean was getting angry and he hissed at Castiel. "Seriously, pride. You think that if I was too proud I would have gone to get him at Stanford when my dad disappeared, when I made a deal for him because I could not bare to lose him, when I still went back to look for him after I gave him the same ultimatum my father used on him. No Cas, if anything I've never had enough pride where Sam is concerned. I'm always the one who gives, the one who looks for him and will continue to do so because he's my brother, but that's it. I'm tired Cas, so tired. Sometimes I don't want to get up because I hurt too much. And if I've been getting up lately it's because I have you to look forward to."

"Dean, I'm sorry that's not what I meant. I don't want to lose you and I know you love me, but sometimes I think..." Cas fixes his eyes on the ugly greenish carpet.

Dean walks over to him and lifts his chin with one of his fingers. "Hey, I love you Cas, more than I expected to love anyone. I never thought I would love again but I do. I love you Castiel, angel of the Lord and I don't want to lose you."

"But why do you love me?"

"I love you because you are pure Cas. Not because you're an angel, but because your soul is pure, childlike. You look at me and love me despite my faults and flaws. I'm not perfect Cas, never will be. I've been corrupted and became a monster when I was in hell and yet you still love me. I like the way you look at me, with childlike wonder and innocence, like there is no one else in the world but me. You make me feel special, as if I truly deserved to be loved and cherished. And I like feeling like I have something that is mine and only mine, something I don't have to share with anyone, something that is just for me. Growing up I never had anything that was just mine and you…you and your love are just mine. And I'm yours too, Cas. All yours."

"As am I. You are special Dean and you deserve to be loved and cherish a thousand times over. Your soul shines bright Dean Winchester, despite of hell and its taint, your soul – it's beautiful, just like you. When I look into your eyes no one and nothing else matters, just you. None of my father's creations on this earth, in the universe, compares to you."

"With Sam I was the one who always gave and I don't resent it. It just makes me feel sad that Sam never thought I was enough for him, you know. He always wanted more and it hurt that what I gave was never enough. Sam was never truly mine, never. I feel betrayed Cas and tired, the trust that I had in him broke and I don't know how to put it back together. So yes, I love him, he's my brother. But I'm IN love with you. This love I feel for you is so intense that what I felt for Sam now pales in comparison, and if you were to ask me to choose between the two of you, there would be no competition. You would win with hands tied behind your back. I can't go back anymore. Going back it's too painful and I may be a sadistic bastard but even I know where to draw the line. My wounds are still fresh and I need them to heal before they get infected by hate and resentment."

"Okay Dean, thanks for clarifying this to me, I will not bring this up again. I don't want to lose you Dean, not now that I have you."

"You won't lose me Cas, I could never leave you either, I love you too much, you're part of me now. It would be like losing half of my soul. Do you like him Cas, Sam, as a person I mean?"

"I respect him if that's what you mean. He's a great hunter and a good man despite everything. He was misguided and he let things go over his head but Sam's a good man."

"He is. He's a good man, too bad he was never a good brother, or lover, or son. But he is a good man." Dean smiled at Cas, and placed a chaste kiss on his chapped lips. "Thanks Cas."

"For what?"

"For everything, for not giving up on him, just like I haven't giving up on him yet."

"He's your brother Dean, he's important to you. All I want is to make you happy. I have loved you since forever Dean. I have watched you since you were in your mother's womb. I watched you grow into the man you are today. A loving, caring, brave, loyal, and courageous man, someone who gives his all for his family and strangers alike. A man willing to sacrifice it all to save a world which ignores its demise. I have been in love with you since I found you in hell. Since that first time that your eyes connected with mine, because despite all the wrongs that were done to you in perdition your soul remained intact, pure."

"I love you Cas, but enough, no more chick flick moments. I think this one should last for over a year if possible."

"You'll never change Dean, and I don't want you to. I like you just the way you are. I would never try to change you."

"C'mere baby, tell me what you want."

"I want you inside me Dean; want to be full of you, surrounded by you. Fuck me Dean, please?"

"Fuck yeah Cas," Dean growled; Sam heard their moans and whimpers as they pleasured each other.

Of the things that Dean could've said Sam could never have imagined what he heard. It was official, he had truly lost Dean. Dean was in love with the angel and there was nothing he could do to change it. No matter how much he screamed or how many tantrums he threw there was no going back. And now that he had heard what Dean told Castiel, he could forget about throwing ultimatums at his brother, he would lose. Dean would drop him faster than a hot potato if he so much as got in-between his brother and his angel.

Sam needed to get over himself and not get on the way of Deans happiness. Because his brother was truly happy for the first time in his life. Being in love looked good on Dean, he looked younger, healthier, more alive than ever. And plain and simple, Dean was worth it. He deserved to be loved and cherished, to be in the presence of his significant other and be the only thing that mattered. Who could cherish him more than an angel himself. And Castiel…Castiel loved his brother like that.

Castiel's did not see the world if not through Dean's eyes. He's whole demeanor changed once Dean was walked into a room. The devotion the angel had for Dean was awe striking. It inspired those who saw it to kneel before his beautiful brother and worship him just as Castiel, angel of the Lord did.

And Sam had to let go, let Dean and Castiel be. Even if he was losing his love, half of himself. He let go because he finally understood that Dean came first, for once he did the unselfish thing and allowed his brother's needs to come first.


End file.
